Attending a Japanese Funeral: Etiquette, Koden and What to Wear

Quick answer

Hi, I'm Miya. Being invited to a Japanese funeral or wake can feel daunting when you're new here — you want to show respect, but you're not sure of the customs and you may only have a little time to prepare. Please don't worry too much: the important thing is a calm, sincere presence, and the details can be learned quickly. In this guide I'll walk you gently through the wake and the farewell ceremony, the condolence money (koden) and its special envelope, what to wear, the incense-offering ritual, and a few simple words you can say. Customs vary by region and by religion, so treat this as a kind starting point rather than a fixed rulebook.

The wake and the farewell: otsuya and kokubetsushiki

A Japanese funeral usually happens over two days. The evening gathering is the wake, or otsuya — traditionally a night spent close to the person who has passed, and today often a shorter evening service where family, friends and colleagues come to pay their respects. The following day is the funeral and farewell ceremony, the kokubetsushiki, which is generally more formal and often followed by the cremation attended by close family.

As someone invited, you don't have to attend everything. Many people go to only the otsuya, especially colleagues and acquaintances, while close friends and family attend both. If a message reaches you with the date, time and venue, it's fine to choose the service that suits your relationship to the family — and if you truly can't attend, a short, sincere message of condolence is understood.

Koden: condolence money and its envelope

Koden is a gift of condolence money brought to the wake or funeral to help the family with costs and to express your sympathy. It's placed inside a special envelope called a koden-bukuro, tied with black-and-white (or sometimes silver) cords rather than the cheerful red-and-white used for happy occasions. You can buy these envelopes at convenience stores and stationery shops; choose a plain, sombre one and write your name on the front, and it's thoughtful to slip the notes in facing gently downward. I won't quote amounts here, because they vary a great deal with your relationship to the deceased and with local custom.

At the venue there's usually a reception desk (uketsuke). Offer a brief word of condolence, present the envelope with both hands so the writing faces the receptionist, and sign the guest book if asked. It's common to carry the koden-bukuro in a small cloth wrapper called a fukusa and take it out there, but if you don't have one, simply handing it over quietly and respectfully is perfectly fine.

What to wear: mourning dress

Mourning dress in Japan is understated and dark. For men, a plain black suit with a white shirt and a black tie is the standard, with dark shoes and socks and minimal accessories — it's best to remove a bright watch or flashy jewellery. For women, a black dress, suit or skirt with sleeves, in a matte fabric, worn with black tights or stockings and simple closed shoes; keep make-up soft and jewellery to a minimum, with pearls being the one traditional exception.

If a message reaches you at short notice and you don't own formal mourning wear, the guiding idea is quiet and dark rather than perfect. A simple dark suit or subdued dark clothing, avoiding anything shiny, colourful or casual, will let you attend respectfully. Many people also carry a small amount of cash and a plain bag; leave loud patterns, animal prints and bright colours for another day.

Offering incense: the shoko ritual

At a Buddhist service you'll be invited to offer incense, a ritual called shoko. When it's your turn, step forward, give a small bow toward the family, then a bow toward the altar and the photo of the person who has passed. With your right hand, take a pinch of the powdered incense between thumb, index and middle finger, and — depending on the tradition — quietly raise it toward your forehead before letting it fall onto the small burner. This is often repeated one to three times, then you press your palms together (gassho), bow once more, and step back with another small bow to the family.

Here's the reassuring part: the exact number of pinches and whether you raise the incense differs between Buddhist sects, and almost no one expects a newcomer to know the details. If you're unsure, watch the person ahead of you and follow their lead — that is the normal, accepted thing to do. Some services use standing incense sticks or, in other faiths, offering a single flower instead; whatever the form, a slow, sincere gesture is what matters.

A few gentle words — and it's okay to follow others

You don't need a long speech. A short, quiet phrase is enough, and a common one is "kono tabi wa goshuushou-sama desu" — roughly, "I'm so sorry for your loss." Speak softly, keep it brief, and it's fine to add nothing more than a bow. In these moments fewer words are kinder than many, and sincerity carries further than perfect phrasing, so please don't feel you must explain or console at length.

Above all, be gentle with yourself. If you lose track of the order of things, glance at those around you and simply follow — that's exactly how most people navigate an unfamiliar ceremony. And it's completely acceptable to quietly ask a friend, colleague or the reception staff what to do; asking with humility is seen as respectful, not rude. Showing up with a calm, caring heart already means a great deal to the family.

Staying reachable so you can respond with care

News of a passing, and the details of the service, usually reach you suddenly — a phone call or a LINE message with a date, a time and the name of a venue you've never heard of. In that moment you may need to look up where the hall is, double-check the dress code, or find the nearest shop selling a koden-bukuro, all within a short window. Having a Japanese number and mobile data means you can quietly sort these things out and respond with the right gesture, instead of scrambling for wifi at a difficult time.

If you've only just arrived, a bridge eSIM can keep you connected through those early days. Once your residence card is in hand, you can move to a proper Japanese line: with Rakuten Mobile you apply online, and if your phone supports eSIM you can often be set up the same day in around fifteen minutes. I'll help you get connected calmly, so that when a hard moment comes, at least the practical side is one less thing to carry.